diwali diary

as again today, the same usual stuff, chatting with neighbour, kalu uncle, its getting really boring, i can sense and see whats happenning, but i cant really help, i have to go my way ultimately and set my own maps, directions, paths, build my own life, i hate it to live here and chat and talk with people, the same usual talk, i know i will have to work hard and do lot, go through a lot in the coming future, be ready for what ever the life throws at me, at this moment life is truly shit most of the times, i feel compltely out of place, i understand my talks, my words are rude and frank, straightforward, i try to control it but i cant, i dont want to live with parents, especially parents, but i must finish off the tasks and problems and move on, their problems, their emotions, their distputes, sisters marriages, its too much to handle for me, but i am trying and once things are arrnaged, i just want to go my, live in a far off place, have my own set of people, circle, work, money, skills, be happy with whatever i earn and do and make, i dont want to expect anything from them, but at the same time i deserve respect, i deserve better things, which i allright, i must be more adjusting with myself, with the sorroundings, people, take care of my ego, i know i will have to suffer a lot if i dont take care of all this, but its okay, to learn from mistakes, i must find more and more ways to make money and build my career again and not depend on anyone, be independent, make my own life, not be victimised, not be manipulated and dragged into shit, the real shit
i can only only try and pray now that these guys live well and are happy and prosperous and they have enough and not cry and complain, i want to set things and move on, i dont want to be controlled by them

i want to do my own work, be independent, have my own family, my wife, my work, i will have to work very hard, not take any short cuts, talk less and do more, keep shut, learn, move on

at the same time i must relax, let go, be peaceful

sometimes i feel and i also think i am paying for what i have sown, and i am also paying for what i have not sown but others have sown for me.

so i dont want others to sow for me

i want to sow for myself
have my own ambitions, plans, dreams
take things step by step
slowly
be happy and accept myself
be satisfied and content
be good at what i do

whatever i plan and i intend and want to do to make my life, earn money
i will have to do it myself and not depend on others
not be influenced, manipulated and gullible by others for money, goods, emotions

i will and i realise i have to work really really hard, long hours, be concrete, sure, have professional plans, do things step by step, small and then develop, move and grow

i have to be true, dignified, humility, understanding, practical, down to earth, good with money, expenses

at the same time i will have to happy, peaceful, let go, forgiving

i can sense my future will only be realized by being very hard working, full of efforts, being practical with money, being able to face whatever life throws at me, determinded, brave, courageous, loving, emphatetic, thick skinned, not sensitive, stay with like minded people, do things that i want and enjoy, learn skills, work, learn to control my ego and anger, have self control, discipline, be realistic, think logically, very very hard working, very very nice with people, learn to bend down, be understanding, respect others, love others, praise others, do small talk, keep my mouth shut, work very very very hard, be full of effort, not show off, not be proud, take it easy, relax, learn to switch off, learn to let go, respect elders, praise them, flatter them, be a child, be small, take small steps, live in the moment, not dream or think big, get the facts and figures, be realisitc, learn to make money, learn to listen, be a very good listener, be a very good at understanding, be very good at judegement of people, situations, events, future, live in the moment, enjoy, have fun, have good and genuine relationships, not to think and boast about money and wealth all the time, be interested in people, be patient, wait, believe and have solid faith in God, have good self belief, be persistent, do what i talk, walk my talk, not talk in the air, talk less, have my own space, not be pushy, aceept things with a smile, understand its all for nothing at the end of the day, be ready and able to do all kinds of work, jobs, tasks, whether high level or low level, not be insulted and intimidated, respect and love my parents, understand others problems, not be a critic and criticize and nit pick and complain all the time, beleive in myself, learn from my mistakes, accept my mistakes, take responsibility of myself, be ready to start from nothing and scratch, not boast and show off and fall for materialism and pomp and superficialiaty, be frugal and very good with money and at the same time learn to accept myself and be happy with whatever i get, earn and make and can do, sit and be with people of my age group of my interests my liking, not trying to be too clever, oversmart, spend money in the right things, earn money and work hard, do many jobs at the same time, save money, respect pennies, not have bad habits, wake up early, work hard, eat meals on time, take care of my health, epilepsy, manage my stress, manage my worries, be a very good problem solver, plan my work, plan my tasks and do my actions, not scare people, ask for positive feedback, listen to family, be understanding, sleep on time and sleep well, not be sick, work hard and take care of my belongings and my work and my schedules, be committed, manage my ego and attitude and anger, stay grounded and be childish and laugh and relax and let go, meditate, jog, walk, run, accept things, learn to be very and very good with money, expenses, buying, shopping, costs, data, facts, numbers, addresses, names, contacts, processes, not do fraud, manipulations, be full of integrity, be professional, work ethicaly and work good and work well, live well, be very flexible, not be closed minded, not be rigid, not be STUBBORN AND CREATE PROBLEMS FOR OTHERS AND MYSELF, not be aggressive and destructive, not be negative, cynical, take things and think logically, use reason and rationals, accept GROUND REALITIES, LIVE IN THE PRESENT, START FROM SMALL, TAKE SMALL STEPS, NOT OVER DO, NOT OVERTALK, KEEP SHUT, MIND MY OWN WORK, LIFE, SCHEDULES AND BUSIENSS, LIVE AND MIX AND STAY AND TALK TO LIKE MINDED PEOPLE, LEARN TO JUDGE PEOPLE, SITUATIONS, EVENTS, FUTURE

STAY BUSY, STAY ACTIVE, KEEP ON WORKING HARD, KEEP TAKING AND USING OPPORTUNITIES, NOT USE AND MISUSE THINGS, ASSETS AND OTHERS, BE RESULT ORIENTED, KEEP TRYING AND TRYING, FULL OF EFFORT, BE PERSISTENT, BE PATIENT, ABLE TO CHANGE PLANS AND FLEXIBLE, BE READY TO DO WHATEVER JOB IT GET, START FROM SMALL AND LOW AND SCRATCH AND THEN MOVE UP

KEEP WORKING ON MY TASKS, ORGANISING, STRUCTURING, IMPROVING MY THINKING, PLANS, ACTIONS, GOING AND DOING IT, BE PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC, LIVE IN THE PRESENT AND REALITY, LEARN, ACQUIRE SKILLS AND USE THEM AND MAKE MONEY, USE MY SKILLS AND KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE TO MAKE MONEY

GIVE IT TIME, BE PATIENT, CHILL OUT, RELAX, HANDLE PRESSURE, HAVE FUN