25th October

i want to get out of the house in the evenings, it seems everything i do and i want to do there is a lot of conflict and issues, i want to live my life, earn my money, be happy, at the same time i dont want to work in a bank or be employed in a company or something, i want to start my own company, and work as per my skills and live my life my own way, i am having a lot of difficulties living in this place where there seems to be lots of talks...
i dont want to get into arguments and unnecessary debates
whenever i talk to mother to express myself, i seem to go no where, it seems people do not understand me or do not want to understand my feelings and wants
when i am working on the pc and doing something to keep busy and doing tasks of learning, educating myself, writing up notes and trying to find ways to set up my work and career, i find disturbances and opposition, i feel as if i am being judged
why cant people and family understand that i will want to have my own choice, if they cant accomodate, they can go ahead, i will manage with time, i will discover ways to earn my money and livelihood and move to my own place. i dont want to live here at this place with them and listen to their crap.
i dont want to work in a bank or live in calcutta even, i dont seem to like this place, would have been nice if there was a business, but there is not, and there seems to be no hope and i dont want to take charge when i have to work according to their style, it would have been alright if there was some business and i could have spend some time there and would have eventually moved onto my own work and business.

i want to live in my own place, my own set of people, friends, like minded people, circle, interests, travel, do things that i like and want, have and connect with people i like and enjoy with, do things that i like, be in control, live upto only my expectations, goals, wants, not live upto others dreams and hopes, i dont want to be victimised, cheated, feel cheated, used, manipulated, i dont want to be dissatisfied, i want to have strong faith and belief, i want to have belief in God, i want to do things that I want to, i want to be honest and true to myself, i dont want to live a life of frustration, worries, stress, unhappiness, regret, i want to be proud of what i do and what i am and i what i want to be, i want to be happy as i am irrespective of size, money, status, i want a loving, caring, affectionate, beautiful, intelligent wife with whom i can talk, share, have conversation, share my feelings, my thoughts, have fun, go out, travel, be a friend, may be work, do something, create something, i want to be grounded, be real, use public transport, live with normal people, i dont want to live upto my parents and relatives expectations, i want to live and make friends with people with whom i am happy and i connect, i want to be happy, successful and enjoy my work, career and learn skills and good at what i do, i want to establish my own independent work, i want to live in a city where i can live freely, have fun, feel good, mix around, travel, be open, meet people, i want to be young, i want to be happy, i want to be fulfilled
i want to have my own career, earn my own money, i want to live my life, i want have my own flat, i want to have my own car, i want to find ways to earn my own money, i want to make money and earn my lving and be independent, i want to learn new skills to make money, i want to use my skills to make money, i want to create things to make money, i want to be independent
i want to have a loving wife, i want to have sex, make love, cook, watch movies, go out, i want to have a family
i want to find out ways to use myself, my skills, my knowledge, my abilities and work hard to make money and be independent, i want to try writing, teaching, publishing, consulting, selling, part time and multiple jobs